i'll admit that i was more disappointed than i thought that i would be ... ever since attaining my Boston qualifying time i said that regardless of whether or not i make it to the start line in hopkinton that i would be satisfied knowing that i'd met their standard. and i would say that from an intellectual standpoint that perspective remains true.
maybe it was the lag time between achieving my BQ and actually having the opportunity to register that left me with the space to imagine/envision actually being there. perhaps it was the fact that they had more spots open to qualified runners than in 2012 that gave me a faint sense of hope. either way it wound up that i had actually put eggs in the basket that was not in my grasp yet - and thus the letdown blow.
numerous people have expressed their own form of 'condolence' or encouragement upon hearing about my status as a non-entrant, all of which i appreciate. some have said that they are confident that i can better even my currently posted marathon PR time; others have pointed out what i'd already known, that should i aim for the 2016 Boston Marathon i will move up to the next age category for which the qualification time will be 3:25:00.
the question that remains for me is 'do i?'.
achieving my BQ time of 3:14:43 was the result of focused physical training, but also the product of unfocused psychological training.
i didn't set my sights on qualifying for Boston.
for several years now i'd been pushing to hit that mark, and falling short. in fact at this time last year i ended up running the worst marathon that i'd run since my first one - i seemed to moving backwards instead of forwards. in light of that, i decided that i'd put too much pressure on myself to attain this high level of athletic performance and that i needed to back off.
focus on something else ... like running my first ultra.
and as part of my training, i would run a marathon. the result was a BQ time.
so i've decided to play another game of reverse psychology, or at least goal management. i've removed 'running in the Boston Marathon' from my list of ambitions.
maybe i'm just not meant to get there.
maybe i am.
either way, i'm not going to put energy into thinking about what it might be like or when it will happen.
for now it's back to the drawing board - and focusing on putting one foot in front of the other.